Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

24

Dec

Merry Witchmas

19

Nov

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ This is the official Witch House. A family of witches named the Weasleys live here and witches who are in trouble will sometimes drop by as it is a fairly safe stronghold. The Weasleys are all red heads due to their ancestors’ tendencies to take showers in lamb’s blood. Over time, the hair took a more “orange” color but as a society we still call the hair “red” so that we may never forget their ritualistic/awesome heritage.  /// ▲▲▲ \\\

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ This is the official Witch House. A family of witches named the Weasleys live here and witches who are in trouble will sometimes drop by as it is a fairly safe stronghold. The Weasleys are all red heads due to their ancestors’ tendencies to take showers in lamb’s blood. Over time, the hair took a more “orange” color but as a society we still call the hair “red” so that we may never forget their ritualistic/awesome heritage.  /// ▲▲▲ \\\

15

Nov

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ SNL’s Juggalo pardody is secretly so Witch House. ▲’s & Witches. ▲’s & Witches. ▲’s & Witches. ▲’s & Witches. ▲’s & Witches. Someone in the SNL writing is staff is definitely a witch. /// ▲▲▲ \\\

14

Nov

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ With all of the animal-sacrifice ▲▲Donald’s (pronounced “WitchDonald’s”) does on a daily basis, this fast food restaurant is a favorite guilty pleasure of witches everywhere. Although the animals are not organically sacrificed and therefore horrible for a growing witch’s health, some witches are on a tight budget and can only afford the processed sacrificial offerings of ▲▲cDonald’s. /// ▲▲▲ \\\

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ With all of the animal-sacrifice ▲▲Donald’s (pronounced “WitchDonald’s”) does on a daily basis, this fast food restaurant is a favorite guilty pleasure of witches everywhere. Although the animals are not organically sacrificed and therefore horrible for a growing witch’s health, some witches are on a tight budget and can only afford the processed sacrificial offerings of ▲▲cDonald’s. /// ▲▲▲ \\\

13

Nov

Follow @sowitchhouse !!!

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ Although no witch has ever actually seen the triangle godz, many witch artists attempt to create imaginations of what they “feel” the witch godz look like. The lego-figure in the middle is an artistic guess at ▲-MAN, the all powerful ruler and creator of triangles. I have no fucking idea who the people to his left and right are so don’t even ask! Friends of ▲-MAN? Perhaps! /// ▲▲▲ \\\

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ Although no witch has ever actually seen the triangle godz, many witch artists attempt to create imaginations of what they “feel” the witch godz look like. The lego-figure in the middle is an artistic guess at ▲-MAN, the all powerful ruler and creator of triangles. I have no fucking idea who the people to his left and right are so don’t even ask! Friends of ▲-MAN? Perhaps! /// ▲▲▲ \\\

10

Nov

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ James Blunt is the original Witch House artist. His song “My Triangle” topped the Witch House singles chart a few years ago for a record-breaking 666 weeks. In the video above, Blunt attempts to bring Telly’s guard down through a live performance, all in the hopes that he can sacrifice Telly, making the sidewalks of Sesame Street run over with blood. /// ▲▲▲ \\\

09

Nov

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ In recent years, companies have been attempting to commercialize the lifestyle of our nation’s underground witches. Businesses such as Golden Triangle Construction, construct witch-lifestyle products and then sell them in high qualities at lamestream stores such as El Target and El Walmart. Owning a triangle used to be an authentic way of showing that you belonged in the witch-club, that you were actually spooky and would sacrifice a baby lamb in a heartbeat. Now every middle school kid and his grandchild is bringing triangles to the local Kindergarten show and tell. Why do middle schoolers have grandchildren these days and why are they hanging around the local kindergarten class? I don’t know, kids these days are CRAZY! Am I right other adults?! /// ▲▲▲ \\\

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ In recent years, companies have been attempting to commercialize the lifestyle of our nation’s underground witches. Businesses such as Golden Triangle Construction, construct witch-lifestyle products and then sell them in high qualities at lamestream stores such as El Target and El Walmart. Owning a triangle used to be an authentic way of showing that you belonged in the witch-club, that you were actually spooky and would sacrifice a baby lamb in a heartbeat. Now every middle school kid and his grandchild is bringing triangles to the local Kindergarten show and tell. Why do middle schoolers have grandchildren these days and why are they hanging around the local kindergarten class? I don’t know, kids these days are CRAZY! Am I right other adults?! /// ▲▲▲ \\\

08

Nov

 /// ▲▲▲ \\\ Witches are all about good fitness. Since the maximum weight brooms can carry is around 120 lbs. (about the weight of 150 sacrificed doves), witches are required to be fit and in some cases even anorexic. The price of boo-ty… On a side note, witches say “boo,” not ghosts, hence the pun. Most witches are still pretty angry about this misconception so if you ever want to make a witch angry say, “Look at me, I’m just like Casper the Friendly Ghost because I’m using the word ‘boo.’” Very clever. Very insult. The only way to make a witch angrier, of course, is to burn him/her at the stake. /// ▲▲▲ \\\

 /// ▲▲▲ \\\ Witches are all about good fitness. Since the maximum weight brooms can carry is around 120 lbs. (about the weight of 150 sacrificed doves), witches are required to be fit and in some cases even anorexic. The price of boo-ty… On a side note, witches say “boo,” not ghosts, hence the pun. Most witches are still pretty angry about this misconception so if you ever want to make a witch angry say, “Look at me, I’m just like Casper the Friendly Ghost because I’m using the word ‘boo.’” Very clever. Very insult. The only way to make a witch angrier, of course, is to burn him/her at the stake. /// ▲▲▲ \\\

07

Nov

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ Delta Delta Delta is the official Sorority Witch House. All members sport the “sacred tri-line signs” on their clothing and mark the triangles on the outside of their witch houses. Dance parties at Delta Delta Delta are very spooky and almost always involve some form of blood sacrifice of a frat bro. /// ▲▲▲ \\\

/// ▲▲▲ \\\ Delta Delta Delta is the official Sorority Witch House. All members sport the “sacred tri-line signs” on their clothing and mark the triangles on the outside of their witch houses. Dance parties at Delta Delta Delta are very spooky and almost always involve some form of blood sacrifice of a frat bro. /// ▲▲▲ \\\